are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just cropdusted the office
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
