you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
