apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
