Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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