if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
