I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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