is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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