just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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