she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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