I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
