so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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