I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
please come you make the beer taste better
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
