woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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