she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
