then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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