I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
