my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
