I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
