I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I love you. Go after that dick
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
