It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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