I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
