I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Randomize
