I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
