watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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