Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
