you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
