I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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