whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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