my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
