my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
