I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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