I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
