youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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