i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
