I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
