You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
