no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
