you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
