I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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