I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
