I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
