Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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