I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
