He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
