There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
