Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
