"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
