So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
