i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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