I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
